Ever since I was young, I always wanted to have kids. I was the oldest cousin on both sides of my family, so I became the unofficial family babysitter, babysat most of the neighborhood kids, volunteered with children and wanted to be a teacher. It wasn't until last Spring, when I had surgery to look into the excessive pain I have each month, that it was discovered I would never be able to conceive naturally. In that moment, when it literally became my decision because it would never happen unless we made it happen through IVF, I suddenly started to wonder if I really wanted kids after all. I always knew my mom had trouble with getting pregnant, but I never expected to have an issue. For the first time in my life, I began to question everything I thought I wanted in my life. I had found my soulmate, we had gotten married, purchased our first house, the next step, as we had always planned, was to start a family, and now I couldn't even give my husband a straight answer on whether I still wanted to have a kid. I felt...violated.
Over the next few weeks, questions crowded my every thought. Why did this happen? Was it something I did? How long have I been like this? What would my life be like if we didn't have kids? Would I regret it later in my life, when I was older and couldn't change my mind? As if the universe could somehow hear my inner struggle, people randomly began commenting on the issue, even strangers that did not know of my situation. Some made comments on how their whole life was their children, while others commented on how they had made the decision not to have kids and enjoyed their life traveling and just spending time with their spouse. Somehow, as if overnight, I couldn't make up my mind. Instead of knowing for sure that I wanted to have kids, now my brain started wondering if I would like my life better without any kids. Maybe all of this was a sign that we weren't meant to have kids? Or maybe not. Sigh. And I was back to square one.
A few weeks later we had dinner with my parents and I played nervously with my hands, wanting to ask my mom how she felt about my situation, but not knowing how to say it. How do you tell your mom and dad that they might never be grandparents? Taking a deep breath, I tried to remain calm as I explained to my mom how I had been feeling, how I felt so conflicted on whether I even wanted to pursue having a child anymore. As always, they were both supportive, assuring me that when the time was right, my husband and I would make the right decision for us. Again, I wished I could just make up my mind. I decided to put the issue to rest for the time being, too emotional to make a solid decision.
Now, several months later, and at the start of a new year, I find myself thinking about it again. I bounce back and forth between wanting a baby and not wanting one from day to day when all I really want is to be able to make a decision. My husband, an only child, supports me either way. He's been honest since day 1 that he would be happy whether we had children or not, essentially placing him in the same undecided category as me. And I thought he'd make it easy for me by feeling stronger one way or the other. Dammit. I swear, but then again, I have to admit that I know exactly how he feels, and I'm not sure I like it. I keep thinking that a moment will come when I will know what I want with absolute clarity...but what if that moment never comes for me? Then again, you can't live life always wondering what if, right?
For now, I quell my thoughts by researching IVF, hoping that if I understand all the ins and outs of the procedure that maybe my decision will be a little easier. My heart goes out to any other women struggling with trying to conceive or struggling with making a decision similiar to mine, and hope that somehow, you too can find some inner peace. I know when the day comes to make my final decision, my husband and partner will be there by my side, supporting me whatever I choose. Hopefully, by then, I will be in a more settled space in my life so the decision doesn't seem quite as overbearing as it is now.
Dealt with infertility or gone through IVF? I'd always love to hear your thoughts, suggestions or personal stories (if you're willing to share). There's so much unknown down this new and unexpected path, but everything happens for a reason. Only thing to do is start down the path and see where it takes us.
~KG
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